Reflections
by Hamutal
Summary: On the second anniversary of her son's death, with a lot still unresolved in her heart, Xena seeks the answer to the most difficult question - how would have things turned out if only...


**Reflections**

By: **Hamutal**

GENERAL COPYRIGHT/DISCLAIMER:

Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo, Solan, Cyrene and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices. 

NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent. 

I'll be happy to hear your input at: cinnamon_spark@yahoo.com

I'd like to particularly thank Inna and Kim for helping me with some decision making while writing this.

**_"My dear Solan, I never told you that you were my son. I didn't know the days we had left were so few; if I only knew, I'd have been with you. I'm so sorry, I couldn't be the mother you deserved. And I regret that I missed your first step... Your first word... That I never heard. Now it seems absurd..."_**_ - Xena, The Bitter Suite_

Prologue 

"You want to talk about it?" Gabrielle's voice asked softly behind Xena's back. 

Xena kept walking, Argo's reins in her hand, pretending not to hear her friend. 

Gabrielle refused to give up. "Xena, come on," she pleaded. 

Xena turned around sharply. "What?" she said agitatedly, as if she didn't know what Gabrielle was talking about, but both knew she did. 

"I know it's today. I count the days, you know. I can't forget it either," Gabrielle said and Xena's heart ached even more. "It's been exactly two years today. All this time I have waited. I wanted to give you time. But it doesn't look like you're ever going to open up. And I'm worried about you, Xena. You have to let it out. Please talk to me." Gabrielle emphasized her last plea with the placing of her hand on Xena's arm, but Xena pulled her arm away as if she was burnt by Gabrielle's touch and doing so she hastened her step. "I know you miss him," Gabrielle called after her. "And I know you feel guilty, but if anybody should feel guilty it's me." 

Xena turned sharply, hurried back to Gabrielle and grabbed her face with her two hands, looking straight into her eyes. "Oh, no. Don't. I should have known better. I should have protected him. He was my son." 

Her son. She didn't see herself as a mother. Not even years after he was born. She didn't feel soft enough, nurturing enough. Yes, she did love him in her way, unplanned as he was, and she never forgot him, not even for a day, or the trusting look on his tiny serene face when she handed him over to Kaleipus. Nine years later she was walking the same path. So much had changed in between. So much had changed in her. When she laid eyes on him, her breath was taken away. She knew she would have recognized him even if he wasn't standing by Kaleipus. The wheat-colored hair, the tenacious expression. He reminded her so much of Lyceus. Watching him standing there she couldn't remember any of the reasons that made her give him up in the first place - not even one. 

Nothing prepared her for the feeling she had when he announced that he wanted to kill her. The hate in that young, innocent face. Hate for her. Years of brazening herself against everything, any feeling, simply faded away, disappeared as if they had never existed, and more than anything she wanted to touch his beautiful face. But she knew she couldn't, and not since Lyceus's death did she hurt like that. 

But she succeeded in making him love her, making him trust her again, just like when he was a baby, only so she could fail him again, one last time. She shook her head and looked away. 

Gabrielle would have given anything to know what was going on in Xena's mind. She knew she couldn't change the past, but her mother had taught her that speaking about things could take the edge away, at least a little. She had taught her how comforting sharing could be. More than anything in the world, Gabrielle wanted to teach it to Xena, but she knew Xena was not going to let her. 

_Didn't even have the decency to tell him I was his mother_, Xena bitterly thought to herself. She wanted to. She was going to. But she kept delaying it. She, who never shied away from a battle, who never feared a confrontation with the meanest, most dangerous warlords, was afraid of facing a little boy's eyes, asking mutely how could she have left him. And how could she, really? Was it really in his best interest? She was beginning to question it, recalling the grievous look on his face when he talked about not ever meeting his mother, or the tears in his eyes when he asked her why everybody he ever loved had died. And she let him die believing that his mother was indeed dead. If only she could turn back time. 

"How far back?" asked a figure in a hooded cloak. 

Suddenly it was night, with no stars and hardly any moon, and both Gabrielle and Argo had disappeared. 

"Who are you?" Xena asked, her sword already in hand. 

"You can ease your mind," said the stranger calmly. "I'm here to help." 

"How could you possibly help?" Xena shouted in agony. "I failed my son. I let him die." 

"You did your best," said the voice softly, suddenly sounding so familiar. "You did what you could under the circumstances." 

Xena shook her head wildly, like an injured animal. 

"I should have never let him go in the first place," she hardly extracted the words from her mouth. Her heart felt so heavy. 

"Is that how you really feel?" asked the hooded figure. 

"Yes, that's how I really feel," Xena answered, enraged. 

"As you wish," the figure said, and Xena suddenly found herself all by herself, again in a different setting, one which somehow looked familiar. 

**Part 1**

At the sound of somebody approaching from behind the bushes, Xena drew her sword and waited alertly. To her great surprise, she shortly faced a woman, looking exactly like herself only younger, carrying a bundle in her arms. 

"What...? Who...?" Xena mumbled. 

"She can't hear you," said the voice of the cloaked figure from behind her. 

Xena turned to look at the figure, then at her double and then she realized. 

"She is me," she uttered, enlightened. 

The young woman unraveled the content of her bundle. It was a baby. 

"Solan," Xena's voice cracked. She reached her hand to touch the precious little face, but her hand went right through. 

"You're only a spectator," the figure explained. "You can't intervene." 

Xena turned to the figure. "But how...? What...?" she began to ask. 

"Just watch," the voice ordered, and Xena fixed her eyes on the young woman and her baby. 

Now she identified the place. It was right outside the village of the centaurs. Her young self was going to meet Kaleipus. And indeed, soon enough she heard the approaching gallop and Kaleipus appeared. 

The young woman looked at the child in her arms and quickly concealed him. 

"You got my message," the young Xena noted dryly. "I just wanna talk to you," she added, looking at Kaleipus's sword. 

"As you did before, when you tried to kill me?" Kaleipus started saying, and Xena suddenly remembered how exactly at that point she had suddenly felt the baby's little heart beating in sync with her own. She watched the young woman's face as she opened her mouth and was about to say the words Xena remembered all too well, when suddenly the young woman closed her mouth and turned to Kaleipus with a whole different look in her eyes. Kaleipus caught that look and quickly pointed his sword at her. 

"You are right," she finally said in a hoarse, unnatural voice. "I didn't come here to talk. But it doesn't matter now anyway. You're doomed." And before Kalipus had a chance to respond, she quickly disappeared from his eye, clutching the bundle in her arms as close to her chest as she could. 

Xena looked around and searched for the cloaked figure, but it was gone. She ran after her younger self, trying to understand what was going on. In her heart she already knew the answer. She saw her younger self, finally sitting in a forest clearing, looking at her baby's face. 

"I couldn't do it," the young woman mumbled to herself. "Why couldn't I do it?" 

She appeared angry with herself. Xena knew why. She was so determined to do it, so careful to make sure nothing interfered with her plans, not even, or maybe particularly not, her feelings. So this version of herself surrendered to those feelings. Xena remembered them very well. She and the woman were faced with the same choice, only the other Xena chose differently. She chose right. 

"What will I do with you?" the young Xena said to the baby, looking suddenly so helpless. 

"Love him, and cherish him, before you wake up one day and realize it's too late," Xena said, but her young self couldn't hear her. She was sitting still, her eyes staring at an invisible spot in space, trying her hardest to think, to find a way out. 

She knew she had to bring the baby to safety, but first thing first. There were other urgent matters that had to be taken care of. She came back to camp, constantly making sure she wasn't being followed and entered her tent. She made sure the baby was sleeping, then carefully placed him in a large fruit basket which she padded with some garments and carefully hid it behind a curtain. Only then she called Dagnin into her tent. The interaction between them was brief. She whispered something in his ear. He nodded, saluted and went out of the tent. 

Xena shuddered. Although what she was now witnessing had never occurred in her own past, it was still her in that scene, the same woman she used to be, with the same tendencies and methods. She didn't have to hear what her young self whispered in Dagnin's ear to know what would follow. 

It didn't take long before her hunch was confirmed. The sound of battle cries, of arrows shot into the dense night air. The cries of the wounded. Fast, crazy gallops. The thumping of falling bodies. And in the midst of it all her young self stood up, and listened carefully. Then, using the commotion of war as a veil, she snatched the basket from behind the curtain, mounted her horse and rode in the opposite direction. When she felt she was far enough from the battlefield, she stopped for regrouping. She picked the baby up, took the cloth that was wrapped around him and used it to tie him to her back, as she had seen many women do in the far away lands where she and Borias had once roamed. Then she began galloping as fast as she could. 

Xena was curious to see the next moves of her young self. It was her, but she had to be somewhat different, because that woman did not give away her baby. She continued following her young self, riding on a phantom horse that suddenly appeared out of nothing, while the young woman rode crazily, almost as fast as the wind. 

The young woman was frightened, more frightened than she had ever been before. She had no idea what to do with the baby. She kept doubting her choice every moment. Still, there she was, the baby tied to her back. The only thing she was absolutely sure of was that she had to get as far away as possible. She was so focused on getting away that she didn't even notice that the baby was beginning to cry. She halted immediately, almost causing herself and the baby to fall down from the horse. She jumped off, feeling heavier and weaker than she ever had, and untied the cloth from around the baby. His crying got louder. He was all red. By now she was very scared. 

Xena watched her young self and smiled sadly. So many mixed emotions came to life inside of her. She felt sorry for the young woman whom she knew so well. She knew she was facing the biggest challenge of her life. She knew she was more scared than she had ever been in her young life. By now taking lives had become so easy, but giving life, and nurturing it, that was a whole different matter. Being responsible for that young life was the hardest thing of all. She was also proud of the other Xena for not choosing to walk away from that responsibility, for not giving in to fear. And lastly, she was also jealous of that woman, who would spend precious moments with the son that she had lost. 

"What?" the young woman said to the crying baby. "What? What is it? What do you want? How do I know?" 

She began crying. It was such a long, tiring, nerve wrecking day and she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. She always had to act so strong. Only in her own company, and most of the time not even then, did she let herself act a little more naturally. 

The baby was still crying. She was afraid even to hold him. She was so used to using forceful and sharp movements that she was afraid her over-aggressiveness would hurt the fragile little creature. 

"Are you hungry?" she finally came up with an idea. 

She put the baby down and tried to get out of her clothes. She was still so unsure of herself. How would she know what to do? How much to feed him? How to hold him so he wouldn't choke? 

When she was a girl she never spent much time thinking of babies or motherhood. She used to hear the girls in the village talk, but she never took part in their conversations. In the very few times the idea had crossed her mind, she always assumed that her mother would be there to guide her, like her mother before her and like all the other mothers in the village. For a moment she thought about turning to Amphipolis. Her mother was very clear the last time they had met, saying she did not wish to see her again, but maybe if she came with a baby, her grandson... She shook her head. No. She would just have to manage without her. Still, the image of her mother kept haunting her. Then she remembered. She could see in her mind's eye Cyrene picking up baby Lyceus from his crib and nursing him. She could see the exact way she had held him. Although she was very little back then, she had always been very perceptive and was blessed with an impeccable and a very visual memory. 

Slowly she picked the baby up. Her hands were a bit shaky. She held him close to her bare chest, careful to support his tiny head. The little mouth searched for a while and then began sucking. A very strange feeling came over the young woman, a feeling of warmth she had never encountered before. She watched fascinated as her son kept feeding and closing her eyes she began to sing. Immediately she could feel the child responding to her singing. He was beginning to suck faster. She smiled, for the first time in a very long time. She felt easier and more relaxed than she had ever felt. 

From a distance Xena stood, fighting back the tears in her eyes. Sensing a new presence she quickly turned back, ready to defend the mother and child. She relaxed when she realized it was the cloaked figure again. 

"You see?" she told it. "I was right. She did make the right choice, the one I should have made." 

The cloaked figure shook its head. "Are you certain?" it asked, and Xena again felt that the voice sounded very familiar, and yet she still couldn't place it. 

"Look for yourself," she said, pointing at her young self singing to the sleepy baby. 

"Things aren't always what they appear to be at first," the voice said and a dark fear started nesting within Xena's heart. "Let us go forward a little so you could see for yourself." 

Xena looked around her again and found herself in a whole different environment, one she had never seen before. "I don't know this place," she said, surprised. 

"There's no reason why you should. You have never been here," the figure answered. 

"What is this place? How is it called?" Xena asked. 

The cloaked figure told her. Xena thought for a moment and then she remembered. 

"Yes. I've heard of this place. It's in the outskirts of Greece. I conquered the area, but this village was such a small and insignificant one that I decided not to waste time on it. So is this where I ended up living?" Xena asked hesitantly. 

The hooded figure did not answer. Instead it pointed in the direction of a big well, where Xena spotted her young self drawing water, with a child of about two at her side. 

Xena's eyes widened. Through the years she had often thought about her son, tried to figure out how old he must be, imagine how he must look like, what he was doing, but nothing compared to seeing the little boy with her own eyes. Without thinking she ran to him and tried to touch him only to be painfully reminded of her status as an observer. She slowly strode back to the cloaked figure. 

"So, how did I get here? What have I done all these years?" she asked. 

"Well, it wasn't easy, but you... she knew that she had to make a fresh start for her and her son," the figure started. "She came to this place, where nobody knew her and never told them her real name." 

Xena nodded. That was what she would have done. "How did she get by?" she asked curiously. 

"There are always things to do, and you were always a quick learner," the figure said. "The people of this village accepted her as one of their own and helped her with the boy." 

Xena looked again in the direction of the well. Her young self was gone, but the boy was still standing there, his face turned in her direction. 

"He looks well," she said dryly, trying to conceal the variety of conflicting feelings that arose in her. 

"So what's your point?" she finally said what was on her mind. 

"You will soon see," the figure answered and then disappeared. 

Xena didn't have to wait long before she heard the sound of about two dozen horses approaching the village. Then immediately a shower of burning arrows began falling on the rooftops. People started running in every direction, stumbling on their way, screaming, crying, trying to snatch their children from the eye of the storm. Xena's warrior instinct took over. She immediately turned and pulled her sword out of its sheath. Then she reluctantly put it back in and remained watching as her young self stormed out of one of the cabins, holding two big spears in her hands. The spears flew and hit their targets. Two soldiers fell from their horses. The young Xena quickly mounted one of the horses, snatching a sword from a dead soldier on her way. Xena looked at her young self with amazement. She had never had the chance to watch herself in action before, and the experience was overwhelming. She worriedly followed as a familiar fire was sneaking into the young woman's eyes. Xena recognized that fire. She knew that once it was set off, nothing was safe. All else was forgotten. She watched amazed as her young self charged inside the circle of bewildered soldiers and slaughtered them one by one. The villagers themselves, from the safety of the few houses that remained intact, also watched the young woman, completely confused. For the past couple of years she had lived among them and they had thought they knew her well. Now they saw a whole different side of that woman. 

Xena was still watching her young self fighting ferociously when she spotted from the corner of her eye the young boy, standing at the door of one of the cabins, his eyes opened wide, closely following his mother's actions. She wanted to make him go inside, to look away, but she couldn't and so he kept gazing at the action, looking utterly fascinated. 

"Xena..." one of the soldiers managed to say just before the young warrior plunged the sword into his chest. 

A murmur passed throughout the village. They had heard many horrible stories about the ruthless warrior. Could she and the woman they knew as Lyceia be one and the same? 

Finally the few remaining soldiers rode off. The young Xena chased them for a short while, but there was no use and so she turned around and came back to the village. She knew what had to follow. The village was a small one, only about a dozen families inhabited it. It was not a rich village. Its residents hardly grew enough grain for their own keeping. It wasn't strategically placed either. There was only one reason for the soldiers to attack the village - her. When she got back, the village's eldest already waited for her, the boy in her arms. She was the first one to welcome her and her son when they came to the village more than two years before, so it was only appropriate that she would be the one to send them off. 

The young Xena took the boy from the old woman's arms with a nod. She placed him carefully on the saddle, in front of her, and rode off as quickly as she could. 

They rode for days. It was winter, and a hard winter at that. Many rain and lightening storms awaited them in the way. In that stormy weather it was hard to find a dry place to hide. Once in a while the young woman came across a cave, but as soon as she thought that she heard the sounds of hooves in the horizon she packed her things, took her son and rode away. 

It had already been a few weeks since she left the village. The young woman was hungry and weak and the boy had been very ill for the past few days. She had a horrible feeling that he was not going to make it. She sat in a dark and damp cave, the little boy, all wrapped in blankets, lying beside her, and listened as he was straining his little lungs, grasping for every breath. Suddenly she felt the presence of a familiar being. She didn't even have to see him. 

"Ares," she said. 

"That's me," the familiar voice answered as the god appeared in front of her eyes. 

"What do you want?" she immediately asked. 

"Always so suspicious," he said with a mock insult. "That's what makes you such a good warrior." 

The young Xena turned her glance away from him. 

"I'm not a warrior anymore," she announced with a stern voice. 

Ares laughed. "It is not something you can ever cease to be. You may not practice the warrior ways, but in your heart you will always be one." 

The young woman did not argue. Her experience in the village a few weeks back had proven to her that what he had just said was true. 

"I watched you at the village," Ares said, reading her thoughts. "Quite impressive for a woman who hadn't held a sword for... how long?" 

The woman looked at the sleeping boy. "Just a little over two years," she replied. 

Ares looked at the boy as well. "He is very sick," he noted dryly. 

"I know that," the young woman whispered angrily. 

"He's not going to make it - not this way, in the cold, with no medicine," Ares continued. 

"What's your point?" the woman rose to her feet, agitated. 

"Relax, I'm here to help," answered Ares and the young Xena threw a look of sheer contempt in his direction. 

"I'll be an old senile crone before I ever believe in your good intentions," she spouted. 

Ares laughed. 

"Now what are you really here for?" the young woman inquired. 

"I'm here to make you a proposition," Ares answered with a serious expression on his face. 

"What kind of a proposition?" the young woman's voice was a little shaky. 

Ares turned away from her and began speaking with a pensive tone. "I had big plans for you, Xena," he said, "and you were filling your part just perfectly. You were going to be the destroyer of nations. You were going to lead my army to victory, and conquer the world. We were going to rule it together. But then he came," Ares pointed at the boy who began coughing, "and you became all mushy and soft and decided you didn't want to be a warrior anymore." 

Ares stopped and gazed at the boy intensively. The young woman hurried and snatched the boy, holding him protectively, close to her heart. 

"Leave him out of it" she demanded. 

Ares laughed. "Oh, but that would miss the point, wouldn't it?" he said, looking straight into her eyes. She shivered. "Don't get me wrong," he immediately added. "I sort of admire the strange loyalty you have for the little guy." 

"It's called love," the young woman said passionately. "Look it up." 

Ares laughed again. "Loyalty, love, whatever. He is something you want and I respect that. So I have a proposition for you. You come back and work for me, live up to my dreams and plans for you, and I'll make sure the little guy lives." 

The young woman was overwhelmed. Her older counterpart watched her from the stark darkness of the cave, wondering what she would have done in her place. The boy wheezed and coughed. His little face was burning up with fever. Xena had seen sick children before. There was no way the boy was going to survive this illness, not without a miracle. As she watched her younger self, who despite being younger than her was much more experienced than her in the field of motherhood, she knew what the woman's only choice could be. 

The young Xena nodded quietly. 

Ares smiled victoriously. 

"I'll do whatever you want," the young woman uttered slowly, "but you have to promise me one more thing," she added and Ares, who was about to vanish turned around and faced her again. 

"What?" Ares asked surprised. 

"Not just now, but always, you have to promise me you'll keep him safe. Through all the battles, and in peace, you do whatever it takes. If something ever happens to him, be it a measly hair falling from his head, the deal is off." 

The young Xena spoke with fire and conviction that Ares seemed to like. 

"No problem. Consider it done. Just make sure you fill your end of the bargain and you have nothing to worry about." 

Xena was watching with wonder as the boy's face lost its redness and the wheezing stopped, all at once. The younger woman slowly caressed the boy's hair while warm tears fell from her eyes on his now healthy pinkish face. Xena wanted to comfort her younger self, but she knew she couldn't be heard. She turned around, and the cloaked figure was already waiting for her, signaling with its hand for her to approach him. 

"Now what?" Xena said. "I've seen enough. She's a good mother. The good mother I could have been if I had only given motherhood a chance. What more do you want me to see?" 

The figure did not respond, but soon Xena found herself in a whole new setting, one she had known before. 

It didn't take Xena much time to recognize the place. She remembered all her battles very well, as if they were scorched into her mind, never to be erased. Did her younger self fight the same battles? Did she follow the same course that she had seemed to have cut off when she decided to keep her son? 

The answer soon presented itself in front of her. Her younger self, on a beautiful dark brown horse, dressed and shielded as the warrior she once was, stormed forward and attacked the small village that was placed at the foot of the mountain from where she and her army had just come from. The villagers were already prepared for their arrival, but there was no hope for them. They were but a few, inexperienced and untrained at combating. The battle was won before it even started. Xena remembered realizing it back when she conquered it. It didn't prevent her then from destroying the village altogether. She waited anxiously to see how her counterpart would deal with that same situation. 

The young Xena turned her horse and faced her men. 

"You know the routine," she said coldly. "Nothing gets out of here alive." 

Nothing? Xena turned and searched for the hooded figure, but it was not there. She watched in horror as her counterpart's soldiers killed everything in sight - men, women, children, babies, even animals. There was blood everywhere. And the screaming made Xena shiver all over. She couldn't believe her eyes. She couldn't believe that the woman who gave that monstrous command was the same woman she had seen crying over her child's healing body not so long before. The young woman was a softer, more human person than she herself was at that age. What had changed her into a bigger monster than she herself had ever been? 

A strange feeling crept upon her. She looked and saw what she expected to see. It was Ares, lurking from behind the trees, looking pleased at his creation. Now it had all made perfect and dreadful sense to her. She remembered facing him time and again, him telling her that she was soft, that she could never be a real conqueror if she allowed herself to feel sorry for women and children, and her answering that she was going to have it her way or no way. But her counterpart had no choice. Ares owned her now. She had to do all he said. She had to or her son would die. 

She fixed her eyes again on her younger self who was now riding away from the village. She looked more closely and realized what it was that she spotted earlier. On the horse, sitting behind his mother, was the little boy, now about four years old. He was looking straight in her direction, as if he could see her. Xena tried to assess the expression on the little face. The boy seemed joyous. He laughed and shook his head. Then he turned his eyes away from her and back to the road. Xena couldn't help wondering about all the sights those eyes had seen. 

She followed her younger self's army to camp. The young woman jumped down from her horse and then reached for the boy and took him down to the ground. The boy tried to say something, but the woman cut him off abruptly. 

"Not now. I have work to do. Go play outside," she said, and Xena remembered the way she used to feel as a little girl upon hearing those words. 

If the boy was disappointed, he didn't show it. Xena guessed that he was pretty much used to it by now. She tried to imagine the kind of life the boy must be living, roaming around the country, with no stability in his life, no other children to play with, no other women but his mother, surrounded by smoke, blood and death. But at least he was alive, she reminded herself, and that was the most important thing. 

She kept following the boy as he went outside and started playing. He was galloping around the yard, and Xena couldn't help thinking how cute he looked. Then he suddenly bumped into one of the soldiers. The soldier groaned and cursed. 

"You little..." he started saying, while advancing towards the boy. 

Another soldier quickly rushed and stood in front of him. "Are you crazy? Don't you remember what happened to Antheon?" he said. 

"He did it on purpose, the little bastard," the first soldier exclaimed. 

"It doesn't matter," the second soldier whispered in response. "You know how she gets when it comes to the little brat." 

The boy turned up his gaze and smiled. "I'm gonna tell my mom on you," he said with an insolent tone. 

"There's no need for that," the second soldier knelt down and looked at the boy. "We apologize. We are very sorry." 

The boy looked straight into the soldier's eyes and then kicked him hard in the knee. The soldier fell down to the ground, closely clutching his knee. The boy ran off, without even looking back. 

"You see?" said the first soldier. "It's just not worth it, I'm telling you. This broad, she can keep her son and all the suckers that are willing to work under these conditions. But me, the first offer I get, I'm out of here." 

The second soldier did not speak, but softly moaned in agreement. 

Xena continued to follow the boy. He was now going out of the camp and into the woods. She remembered how her mother never let her go by herself into the woods, even when she was much older than the boy. How could her other self let her son wander off alone at such a tender age, unattended? Then she remembered. She had no reason to worry about him. She knew nothing could ever happen to him. It was part of the deal. Xena was beginning to wonder if the boy realized it too. Did he know that nothing could happen to him, that he was guarded? Did it change the way he behaved? And if he didn't know, did he feel that his mother didn't care for him? Xena remembered how although she was always angry with her mother for not letting her do what she wanted, she also felt safe and protected. Did the little boy ever feel that way? 

The boy wandered between the trees, humming to himself, sometimes releasing unintelligible cries. Then he started galloping again. Then he called some more. It didn't take long for Xena to understand what game he was playing, what game he could ever be playing. He was playing war. That was the only reality he knew. 

She moved closer, until the boy was almost in a hand's reach. Then suddenly the boy bent down and looked closely. Xena tried to see what he was looking at. It was a long, pointy branch. Xena looked back at the child. His eyes lit up. He picked up the branch and held it over his head. A scary glitter suddenly appeared in his eye. He galloped forward, holding the large branch quite firmly in his right hand. 

"Kill 'em all!" Xena heard the tender voice scream. "Kill 'em all!" 

"Nooooo!" Xena shouted, but the boy could not hear her. 

She turned around quickly and saw the cloaked figure who was suddenly standing behind her again. 

"I've seen enough," she could hardly find the strength to say. "I've seen enough. Take me away from here." 

"Are you sure?" the figure asked. "Don't you want to know what's become of him?" 

Xena's body shivered, but the figure hastened to answer, before she even had the time to respond. 

"He joined his mother's army and killed thirty people in his very first battle - before he even turned fifteen," the figure informed her in a dry tone. 

Xena put her hands over her face and shook her head. Then she collected herself and rose to her feet. 

"I see your point," she said sternly. "I was young. I didn't know better. I was too easily drawn back to my old ways. I was blind to any other options. But I've matured since then, and by the time I came to the centaurs again I was different. I had changed. I should have taken Solan then." 

"As you wish," the figure said and Xena found herself outside the village of the centaurs once again. 

**Part 2**

Xena was still amazed by the rapid changes and movements, but she was getting used to it. Now she had a better idea what to expect. She looked around her and spotted in a distance two figures walking on the way leading to the village. 

She continued to look carefully as she identified the figures as her slightly younger self and Gabrielle. Looking at Gabrielle it suddenly struck her, how much they had both changed. Gabrielle was merely a girl when she joined her. Wide-eyed, innocent, so receptive. She was so afraid of corrupting her, of becoming a bad influence on her, that she didn't even realize how great Gabrielle's influence on her had been. That young, inexperienced girl had taught her more about life, people and love than any other person she had ever known. 

Xena kept following the two figures, listening in on their conversation, remembering. Only now, looking at her slightly younger self, could she admit how scared she actually was that day, while she was walking down the path she had long before vowed never to tread upon again. She was afraid of realizing she had made the wrong choice, giving her child to one of her bitterest enemies. She was so relieved to see what a beautiful, healthy boy her son had grown to be. But his words were like a dagger to her heart, especially since she felt that she partly deserved them. 

Xena watched her other self's face. Oh, how she tried not to show the sharp pain that had suddenly taken over her, but Gabrielle immediately picked up on it and questioned her if she knew the boy. Her heart quivered when she uttered the words "my son." It only hit her then and there that she hadn't used that word combination ever since the day she gave him away. 

She kept watching, getting reminded of how much Gabrielle's questions tormented her. How could she explain to Gabrielle what she could hardly explain to herself? Her own conscience was hard enough to deal with even without Gabrielle fueling it more. She became angry and argumentative, but she knew it wasn't Gabrielle she was really angry with, it was herself, and she didn't even know what made her more angry - the fact that she gave her son away in the first place or the fact that she didn't feel she could live with that decision any longer. It was unfair of her to want him back now, she realized that, but she did want him, she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything else in her entire life. And he hated her. Or at least so it seemed at first. 

It wasn't easy to get through to him, she didn't think she could, but she decided to give it a try anyway. When Gabrielle told her that her son had been abducted her heart almost stopped. It figured. For nine years the boy lived peacefully and the minute she arrived she got him into trouble. Borias was right. She made him a walking target. But then she managed to save him and to get close to him and it was as if a whole new world of feelings just opened up to her, a world she hadn't even known existed. 

Watching from a distance, Xena knew what was going to happen. Just like before, faced with the hard choice, her counterpart was going to choose differently. She stood and watched, trying to guess when and how her other self was going to say the magical words and how the boy was going to react. 

Then they were sitting by the lake, and Xena knew that it had to happen then and there. She even had her own guess about the exact moment, but she still waited quietly so she could hear for herself. When they started talking she didn't even need to come closer. She could hear the words coming from within. All the words that were said between her and her son that day were engraved in her heart and remained there all that time. 

"Solan..." the other Xena started, just like she did, and just like then the boy gazed at her with his big blue eyes wide open. "People do things sometimes that they regret. Things which, at the time, seem like the right thing to do." 

The boy looked confused at first, but then he seemed to catch on. "Like when I tried to hurt you?" he asked and his mother looked aside, surprised. 

"A little," she replied, but hurried to reassure him. "But don't feel bad. Most of the time we don't know if what we did was right or wrong... not until later." 

Solan was becoming more and more confused, she could see that. She needed to find a way to say it to him and to do it quickly, before he would start concluding that she thought he did something wrong. 

"Something I did a long time ago was wrong," she started again. 

"You mean trying to kill the Centaurs and get the Stone?" the boy asked. 

Again she was surprised. She tried to take the situation in. She could just stop there. She didn't say anything too suspicious yet. She could just back off and he would never know. But she couldn't. She couldn't leave without telling him the truth. She couldn't let him go on staring sadly at a gravestone on an empty grave. 

"No. Not exactly. There's something else. Something you don't know about." 

The boy kept looking at her attentively until she finally resumed speaking. The words just lingered, as if she had to forcefully pull them out of her mouth. "Nine years ago I gave birth to a son," she started, her voice trembling. "I was young, I was alone and frightened. I loved him so much that it scared me. I didn't know what to do." 

The boy looked at her, his naive blue eyes concentrated on her face. "What happened to him?" he asked and a tear fell from the woman's eye as she reached her hand and held her son's face. 

"I gave him up. I gave you up. And not a single day passed when I didn't miss you or wonder what had happened to you." 

The boy glanced at her, uneasy. "It can't be," he said, shaking his beautiful head. "My uncle said that my mom was dead." 

His mother looked at him softly. "But it is true," she said, smiling at him. "I am your mother and I'm very much alive." 

Still the boy did not look happy. He was becoming increasingly disturbed. "He lied," he finally uttered, with a hurt look in his eyes. "He always says that lying is bad. How could he lie?" 

"Don't be mad at him," the woman quickened to plead with the boy. "He only did what he thought was best for you." 

The boy lifted his eyes and looked at her face. 

"And so did I," she finally added, almost unheard. 

The boy kept looking at her for the longest time, and she was beginning to doubt that the move she had just made was the right one, but then finally he moved closer and put his arms around her waist, hesitantly placing his head on her breastplate. Her hands moved slowly, slightly shaking, to stroke his hair. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe any of it. 

"Mother," the boy said. "Mother. My mother." 

She held him closer to her heart, closing her eyes, taking in those sweet words that helped produce the serenest smile her face had ever known. 

They sat there for a while. Xena could only imagine how her counterpart must be feeling. She missed the feeling of having her son in her arms, but she knew that what her counterpart was feeling had to be so much better than anything she herself had ever experienced, for now that the secret was out, her counterpart didn't have to hold anything back anymore. She could allow herself to hold the boy in a way that only a mother would. Then she tried to imagine what was going on inside the boy's mind. She knew all this couldn't be easy on him. That was part of the reason she herself decided to back away. She was afraid of confusing him, but maybe she was wrong. Solan looked happy to have his mother by his side and that measured up against everything else she could think of. 

Suddenly the boy pulled away and turned to look at his mother again. "I still don't understand," he said. "If you're alive, why didn't you raise me?" 

Xena watched as her other self was trying to come up with the best way to explain to the boy the reasons behind her decision to give him up. She remembered how she thought about it many times, but never could find the right way to convey those complex thoughts and considerations to such a young boy. 

"You remember all the things you heard about me? How I was bad? How I killed people? I didn't want you to turn out bad, like me. I wanted you to be raised by good people." 

She looked at the boy, trying to assess his reaction. He seemed to accept her explanation. Still she had to make sure. 

"Do you understand?" she asked. 

The boy nodded. 

"Can you forgive me?" she went on asking, her voice nearly betraying her. 

"Sure," the boy answered, effortlessly. "I forgive you." 

His mother, relieved, braced him to her heart. 

Even with his head on his mother's chest like a baby, the boy's mind was still very active. Xena could detect his contemplative expression from afar and it made her smile. Then suddenly the boy grinned and turned to look at his mother again. "You're good now, aren't you?" he said in a resolute tone. "You can raise me now." 

His mother was immediately flushed with an unexpected wave of heat. "But you've got a life here, Solan," she said softly. "You've got things that I can only dream of. Things that I have always wished for my son." 

The boy gave his mother an intense look. 

She continued. "You have the village and your friends, and you have Kaleipus, who loves you like a father." 

Solan turned away from her abruptly. "I understand," he muttered quietly, with his back to her. "You still don't want me." 

"No," she almost shouted while forcing him to look at her. "Don't you ever think that. Not even for one moment. I love you more than anything. There's nothing in the world that I want more..." she suddenly stopped. 

The boy's pair of clear blue eyes met his mother's matching pair. "Then let me come with you," he said. 

His mother silenced. 

The boy turned away again and began walking. 

"Okay," she finally said "I just have to talk to Kaleipus first." 

She stepped away. Xena remained and examined the boy. He still seemed confused, but he looked very happy, more happy than she could remember ever having seen him. She did the right thing, she thought to herself, but her heart was still unsettled. She followed her alternate's footsteps and arrived at Kaleipus's hut. 

"You said you didn't come for him," she could hear Kaleipus's roaring voice from afar. 

"I really didn't," the other Xena said defensively. "I wasn't lying." 

There was a brief silence and then Kaleipus's voice was heard again. 

"We had a deal," he started saying, his voice suddenly weakening. "I raised him like a son." 

"And I'm grateful for it," the other Xena said, "more than you'll ever know." 

Xena could hear the sound of Kaleipus's hooves clunking on the wooden floor as he was pacing nervously around. "What do you mean to do?" he asked quietly. "You can't keep roaming the country like you have. You can't put him in any kind of danger." 

"I realize that," the alternate Xena answered gravely. "I still have to work out the details. But I'll do whatever it takes. Be sure of that." 

Kaleipus did not answer, but his sadness was so great it was almost tangible.

"I won't hold him back," he finally uttered, sounding defeated, "not if his mind is really set on going with you." 

Xena watched as her other self walked out of the hut, walking as erectly as ever. She did not stir until she saw Kaleipus coming out of the hut as well. He suddenly seemed ten years older. Xena couldn't help feeling very sorry for him. She thought of the long hard years she spent, missing the baby she had given up and she hadn't even known him then. Kaleipus was going to lose a son he had known very well. 

Right at that moment, the cloaked figure appeared from behind Xena. Xena was already developing a sense of knowing when it would appear. That time, however, she did not immediately approach it but instead kept standing in a distance, trying to assess it. There was something about that figure which was so familiar to her - the gestures, the voice, the contour, but somehow all those things didn't add up to one whole person. It nearly drove Xena crazy, but she had no time for solving riddles. She had to stay focused on the actions of her other self. 

"What now?" she asked worriedly, remembering the horrible images from her last adventure. 

The cloaked figure did not answer but instead pointed Xena in the direction of a horse. It was Argo. Xena quickly mounted her, asking no questions, and followed her other self who was leaving the centaur village accompanied by Gabrielle and her son. 

They walked for days, but Xena had no sense of time passing. She was more fascinated than she had ever been by the sights and sounds that were revealed to her. All the images she had always imagined suddenly came to life. Her son, walking with her and Gabrielle. Her son, gazing at her adoringly as she spoke. Herself, teaching the boy how to fish. Herself, sitting by the fire, watching her sleeping son's face as she guarded both him and Gabrielle. 

But the most surprising and the most pleasurable thing of all was watching the bond that was forming between the boy and Gabrielle. On the fourth day of traveling they found a big, straight branch and Solan picked it up and announced that it was his new staff, and that he wanted Gabrielle to teach him how to use it. He was very eager to start his training at that very moment, but his mother sat him down and taught him how to carve and chisel it with her sword, so it wouldn't have any sharp ends. Then she spent the next few days watching amusedly as the boy practiced again and again the moves that he had learnt from Gabrielle. 

At dinnertime, he always sat mesmerized by Gabrielle's tales. The alternate Xena scolded Gabrielle more than once about the tales that she chose to tell her son, especially about those which she said glorified her too much. But secretly she enjoyed it. After years of hearing the bitter truth about her wicked ways from not so favoring sources, hearing some of her latter adventures from Gabrielle could work to balance her image in her son's eyes. 

She was amazed by the boy's receptivity. She sometimes tended to forget how young he really was, especially since he proved to be so smart and resourceful. He almost always helped her catch food for their meals, and he had many times come up with imaginative and innovative ideas that completely surprised her. 

She was getting closer to him every day. She could still tell, though, that he hadn't resolved all his questions and doubts about her giving him up in the first place. She could also tell that he greatly missed Kaleipus, his friends and his village. He needed stability, that she knew, and she had a pretty good idea how to provide it to him. 

"Are you sure?" Gabrielle asked hesitantly when her friend first laid out her plan before her. 

"As sure as I'll ever be. I don't know, Gabrielle. You're usually the one who has strong sense of what is right. Do you ever know for sure?" 

Gabrielle did not answer. She was obviously still not convinced. 

"But you haven't been there for such a long time. Do you really think it's a good idea to return now? With Solan?" 

Xena watched as her alternate looked aside, weighing the pros and cons in her head, in a way she usually didn't do. She was responsible for her son now. She couldn't afford to be reckless. 

"I feel that I ought to give it a try, for his sake," the other Xena said, pointing her chin in the direction of the boy, who was practicing with his staff not far from there. 

"As you wish," Gabrielle said and Xena was washed over by a very strange feeling. 

"I think we should do it," her alternate said, emphatically. "I really think we should." 

Gabrielle laid her hand on top of her friend's. "Then I'm right with you, Xena. Let's go." 

A few days passed and the other Xena had still not told her son where they were heading. Xena knew why it took her so long. While explaining things to her son, she would have to come to terms with them herself, and that was always a hard thing to do, especially for her. 

Finally it was Solan who started that conversation, asking where was it that they were heading. 

"Amphipolis," his mother answered dryly. 

"Amph... Amphipolis?" the boy said tentatively. "Never heard of it," he remarked. "Where is it? Why are we going there?" 

Xena laughed at his flow of questions. He reminded her a lot of Lyceus. Nothing had ever passed him by. He just had to know everything, and so he was always so full of questions. 

"It's my village," the other Xena found it difficult to utter those words. "It's where I grew up." 

Solan looked at her, pensively. "You mean, when you were a child?" he asked. It was clear that he had trouble imagining his tall, strong, impressive mother as a little girl. 

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean," the alternate Xena finally let out a smile. 

"That's super!" the boy said excitedly, the realization finally sinking into him. "You have to show me everything," he made his mother promise. She nodded.

The boy could still tell that she was worried. "Aren't you happy to go back to your village?" he asked. 

She smiled sadly and ruffled his hair. He was so sensitive to everything. "I am. But it's complicated. You see, I haven't been there for a long time. I'm not sure they'll accept me." 

The boy was confused. "What do you mean? Why won't they accept you? Aren't they your friends?" 

The woman choked. "They were, before I... you know. Before I did all the things I did. It may be hard for them to understand that I've changed." 

Solan looked at her thoughtfully. "I'll tell them," he suggested. "I'll tell them all about how I used to think you were bad before I met you and how I changed my mind after I got to know you, even before I found out that you're my mother." 

A cloud came over the woman's face and it obviously upset her son, who had no idea how to interpret it. 

"That's another thing," the woman finally said, noticing her son's irritation. "They don't know about you yet. I have to tell them." She checked to see that she had the boy's attention before she continued. "I will do that, as soon as I get the chance, but you have to promise me to let me be the one to tell them. Do you understand?" 

Solan nodded, but she wasn't sure. 

"What I mean is, don't tell anybody you're my son, not until I tell you you can. Okay?" 

The boy nodded again. This time she knew he had understood. 

As they were getting closer to Amphipolis, Xena watched her alternate becoming more and more agitated. She could understand it. The last time that her counterpart was in Amphipolis she was nearly stoned to death, and although when she left the village it seemed that her mother and the rest of the people accepted that she had changed, she still wasn't sure. 

The alternate Xena took the last few steps on her way to Amphipolis as if she was walking on broken glass. Gabrielle knew better than to rush her. Solan, on the other hand, was excited and curious and couldn't wait to get there already, but sensing that he had better let his mother go through whatever she was going through, he stayed close to Gabrielle and kept telling her all kinds of stories about what he was going to do once they got to Amphipolis. 

Finally they were there. Everything looked exactly the way the alternate Xena had remembered it. The houses, the trees, the barns. Even the smell was the same smell that she remembered from when she was growing up. The inn was just around the corner. She felt as she used to feel when she did something wrong and was sure her mother had already found out about it from the neighbors. 

She opened the door. It was quite dark. Cyrene stood by the counter. She was busy joking with some of her guests while pouring ale into their goblets. At first she didn't notice the new guests. Then she realized that somebody had just come in. She turned her look towards the door and she could not believe her eyes. There stood her daughter, whom she hadn't seen for quite a long time, with that nice young girl who accompanied her on the last time she was there, and a beautiful young boy. She walked over to greet them, still stunned. 

"Xena," she could hardly speak. "I wish you had written me and told me you were coming." 

"It's okay," the woman answered without looking at her mother's face. "I understand if you don't have rooms for us. We'll manage." 

"Don't be silly," Cyrene scolded her. "Don't you think I can make place in my own inn for my own daughter?" 

Solan's eyes lit, and Gabrielle, noticing it, drew him back. He understood and kept quiet, although his heart was racing. He had a grandmother! All those years, growing up in the centaur village, he had always dreamed about having a real family - a mother, a father, siblings, grandparents. Now his dreams were coming true, bit by bit. Why hadn't his mother told him about his grandmother? He didn't know what to make of her behavior. 

"Sit down, you must be hungry," Cyrene said, looking at the boy in particular. 

He was a handsome boy, she thought. He seemed very friendly with Gabrielle. Was he her brother? She asked her daughter. Gabrielle only had a sister, her daughter informed her. There was something familiar about his smile, something that touched her heart instantly. She wanted to please him. She tried to think about the best treat that she had in her kitchen, something special that she could give him. 

"I'll be right back," she said and went inside. 

The alternate Xena, Gabrielle and Solan sat down. The older woman of the two found it almost impossible to concentrate, but she knew she had to attend to her son. 

"So, how do you like it here so far?" she asked in the most cheery voice she could retrieve. 

The boy weighed his words. He didn't want to upset his mother and since he had no idea what kind of an answer she was looking for, he was very cautious. "It seems nice, I guess," he said, careful not to let his enthusiasm show. 

"I'm glad you like it," his mother answered, and the boy was relieved. He wasn't sure how to get to what was on his mind, but luckily, his mother did the work for him. "How do you like your grandmother?" she asked. 

"I don't know yet," he answered truthfully. "She seems very nice." 

He was just about to ask her why she hadn't told him about her when Cyrene came back to the table, carrying a large tray with three slices of cherry pie. The boy's eyes lit. 

"Cherry pie! That's my favorite kind!" 

Both his mother's and grandmother's eyes turned on him. 

The boy began eating, unaware that he was being watched. 

Xena followed her alternate self, who was following her mother to the kitchen. 

"Who is that boy?" Cyrene asked, but in her heart she already knew the answer. 

"He's my son," her daughter answered, surprised that the words came out so easily. 

"You didn't tell me you had a son," Cyrene noted. 

The younger woman smiled cynically."It wasn't like I had the chance," she said. "You wouldn't talk to me." 

Cyrene silenced. She started chopping vegetables. Xena could tell that she was nervous. She always started chopping vegetables when she was out of words. "Who is his father? Where did you keep him all these years?" she finally uttered. 

"I will tell you everything soon, I promise," her daughter said weakly. 

"You're tired," her mother noted. "I'd better get your room ready." 

She walked out of the kitchen and into the back room, leaving somebody else to tend to the other guests. 

Xena had often wondered what would her mother's reaction be upon learning that she had a grandson. Even now, two years after his death, Cyrene had no idea of his existence. Although she and her mother had become very close in the last few years, she saw no reason to upset her by telling her about Solan and his untimely death. 

By the time Cyrene came back, Solan was already very sleepy. He still insisted that Gabrielle tell him a story before he went to sleep. Xena watched them with a sad smile. There was so much she had missed on. There was so much she could never change. There were so many choices she could never undo. She began feeling angry at the mysterious cloaked figure. What sense did it find in showing her all the things that she couldn't possess? Why torment her like that? Why judge her to a life of observing, without being able to take part in the most desirable actions? She tried to summon the figure by wishing, but it wouldn't come. 

She kept watching as her other self undressed and slid beneath the covers. How strange it was for her to come back to sleep at her mother's inn, after all those years. The smell of home. It was both comforting and tormenting. That smell reminded her of all the things she had lost - her childhood, her innocence, her brother. She could never be a child again. But now she had a child of her own, and she could help in creating for him great memories of a carefree childhood. Immersed in those sweet thoughts she fell asleep. 

The next morning when the surrogate Xena woke up she was in a much better mood. Everything went well, better than she had dared to expect. Her son noted the change and accepted it favorably. 

"You have to show me everything," he said enthusiastically over breakfast. "Remember, you promised." 

His mother smiled and told him to go ahead and start touring the village. She would join him later. 

After her mother had finished all of her urgent chores, she came to sit by her, holding a bowl of hot soup in her hand. The younger woman ate, quickly, and answered her mother's questions as briefly as she could. She told her of Borias - how they had met, how they had joined forces, how she had found out that she was pregnant with his child and everything else leading to the day she came back to the centaur village and reunited with her son. She was surprised by her mother's favorable reaction when she told her of how she had given Solan away to Kaleipus. 

"You did good," Cyrene said shortly. "You were in no condition to raise a child back then." 

Back then, Xena thought. Did that mean that her mother thought she was ready to raise her son now? 

"So what do you plan to do now?" Cyrene finally asked. 

Her daughter chose her words carefully. "I was thinking..." she started, then stopped. "I mean, I was hoping..." she stopped again. 

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you want," her mother interpreted her daughter's unspoken words and for the first time in a very long time the older woman felt that she had a daughter once again. 

When the younger woman came out of the inn, her son was running up to her, his face completely radiant. He had already made new friends. They were the children of the children she used to play with as a child. She felt that in a strange way the correct order of the world had been restored. It was all so odd. If anybody had asked her even a few weeks earlier what she wanted most in life, this would have been the last answer she would have provided. And yet, everything seemed so right all of a sudden. 

She took her son to all her favorite hideouts, like she had promised. He liked the oak tree best, just like she knew he would. They climbed it together and sat up high, observing the whole area. She had already forgotten how beautiful it all was. 

They raced back to the inn. She won, but she had to admit that the boy was gifted. And he adjusted to the new situation so quickly and easily. At dinnertime he already volunteered to help Cyrene at the inn's kitchen. Looking at her son helping Cyrene, learning from her, joking with her, and at Cyrene, guiding Solan, laughing with him, touching him so lovingly, she knew she had made the right choice. Solan was going to be very happy at Amphipolis. 

A few nights later, Gabrielle came to talk to her. She thought of heading back to Poteidea. Now that Xena and Solan were settled in Amphipolis she saw no reason for staying. There were many things that they had to work out and she felt it was best that she left them to work them out by themselves. 

Xena was curious to see how her alternate was going to deal with the situation. She knew that the Gabrielle she knew, the Gabrielle that had traveled with her for five long years, would have never thought that she was in the way. She would have never left her, Xena was sure. Too much had happened between them to ever make that possible. But that Gabrielle was different and so was her other self. They didn't share the history that Xena was now replaying in her mind. 

And still, her other self managed to convince the other Gabrielle to stay. She told her how valuable she was both to her and to Solan and how, as happy as she was right then, she couldn't imagine life without her. Gabrielle seemed surprised. She obviously did not hear such words often. Xena shook her head agitatedly. She missed her Gabrielle. She wondered what was happening in her life. What was she going through now that Xena was on her bizarre quest? 

A few more days had passed, and Xena was already beginning to wonder what she was waiting around for. But since the cloaked figure was nowhere to be found, she decided to make the best of her time. She cherished every moment she had with her beloved son, even if she was only an observer, and could not talk to him or touch him or make him aware of her presence. Just seeing him so happy, so full of life and joy was enough for her. It was worth everything, even if those sights served as constant reminders to the wrong choices she had made. 

Xena was still pondering those thoughts when suddenly she heard footsteps approaching near. She turned around and saw her other self, who came inside the stables and drew near Argo, looking gravely into the mare's eyes. Argo gently placed her head on her mistress's shoulder, for comfort. Her mistress moved her head slowly, caressing the mare's face with her cheek, her eyes half closed. She needed to be comforted. She had such conflicting feelings about all that had happened. On the one hand, it was the realization of everything she had ever wished for - a peaceful life, with the three people she loved most in the world, in her home village which she had never stopped missing. But something wasn't quite right. Something was lacking. She couldn't bring herself to admit it out loud. She felt restless. She hated feeling that way. She felt that she was betraying somebody, everybody, but she couldn't change the way she was feeling and she couldn't even confide in anybody with those feelings, not even Gabrielle. 

"You understand me, don't you, girl?" she said softly. 

Argo neighed, shaking her long, flexible neck. A loud noise from outside broke the beautiful interaction. Both Xena and her other self rushed out. 

Outside, they found Solan, speaking with an unfamiliar man. The other Xena jumped high, spinning in the air, finally landing between her son and the strange man. She first pushed the boy quickly behind her and then turned to the man. "Who are you?" she questioned him, while holding her sword to his unsuspecting throat. "What are you doing here?" 

The man was shocked and afraid. He began stuttering. "I came looking for you," he barely uttered. "Our village is under attack." 

Overwhelmed by her own reaction, the other Xena let the man go. She turned around and signaled to Solan that she wanted him to go back to the tavern and leave them alone. Solan lingered, looking at his mother hesitantly, but the expression on her face was grave, and so he reluctantly obeyed. The woman waited until the boy was out of hearing distance. 

"What were you two talking about?" she asked, pointing her sword in the direction of the boy's distancing figure. 

"I just asked him if he knew where I could find the warrior princess," the man quickly answered, "and then you showed up." 

The woman carefully examined the man's face while sliding her sword back into its sheath. She looked for signs of insincerity. All she had found were signs of exhaustion and confusion. She was being irrational. She had never acted that way before. Then again, she had never had her son in her care before. Having him in her care changed everything. Her life was never going to be the same. She couldn't just leave him now, when they were just getting to know each other, and go save strange villages like she used to. She was trying to find a way to break the news to the poor man when Gabrielle appeared from behind her. 

Gabrielle looked at her friend, then at the man, then at her friend again. "What's going on, Xena?" she asked worriedly. 

"Nothing is going on," her friend answered impatiently. 

"Who is this man?" Gabrielle asked again, whispering as she drew near. 

"My name is Philias," said the man, slightly bowing his head to Gabrielle in an apparent polite gesture. "I come from the village of Theresia to look for the warrior princess." 

The warrior princess looked away. Gabrielle tried to meet her glance. There was silence. Then Gabrielle smiled gently at the man and asked him to excuse her. She grabbed her friend's hand and led her aside. "What is it, Xena? You're acting strange." 

Her friend shook her head, her eyes still not meeting Gabrielle's. 

Gabrielle kept silent for a moment, carefully weighing her words. "You're not going to help him, are you?" 

Her friend lifted her eyes in surprise. She was not prepared to hear those words, not from Gabrielle. 

Gabrielle sensed her friend's surprise."I'm not saying you should," she quickly added. "I'm just surprised that you wouldn't." 

"Why are you so surprised, Gabrielle?" the alternate Xena snapped, suddenly feeling insecure. But looking into her friend's gentle eyes made her calm down. "You know the situation," she finally replied her friend's tacit question. "Everything is different now. I have Solan. I can't just run around saving villages whenever I feel like it." 

Gabrielle smiled understandingly. "Are you concerned about leaving him alone so soon? 'Cause if you are, don't be. He loves it here. He's already made so many friends and he and Cyrene adore each other. He won't resent you for leaving. He'll understand. It's something you just have to do." 

The older woman shook her head. She was still disquieted. 

"If anything, he'll respect you more for it," Gabrielle added. 

"You think?" the other Xena squinted, as she was trying to catch Gabrielle's exact expression. 

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed how much he admires you," Gabrielle said in a semi-scolding tone. "He just loves having the warrior princess for a mom." 

That last remark released a hesitant smile from the warrior princess's lips and Gabrielle couldn't help being amazed at how insecure the big bad warrior could sometimes be. 

"If it's any help, I promise I'll keep an extra-close look at him, although I assure you that won't be necessary." 

Xena waited curiously to see what her other self would do. Finally her alternate nodded, then placed a hand on her friend's shoulder, smiling thankfully, while making her way to the tavern to deliver the news to her mother and her son. 

Xena kept watching Gabrielle. That was the Gabrielle she knew. Dependable, trustworthy, always the good friend, always so comforting, so reassuring. How lucky she was to have her in her life. How different, how empty her life would be without her. 

A few minutes later the other Xena came back, accompanied by Cyrene and Solan. Gabrielle immediately joined them as they came into the stables. The three surrounded the warrior while she was getting Argo ready to go. Solan was chattering happily, telling his mother about all the things he was going to do that day. Cyrene was holding him close to her body, patting his head and face. The alternate Xena looked at the two of them, finding it harder and harder to leave. With much effort she managed to move her eyes and look at Gabrielle. Gabrielle smiled at her reassuringly and nodded. The alternate Xena reached out her hand and met Gabrielle's. Gabrielle's hand was warm and soft as she gently squeezed her friend's hand. That squeeze was all the warrior needed. It gave her the strength she lacked in order to do what she knew she had to do. 

The warrior gave her son one last long hug and hopped on Argo. She kept looking back, at the three most precious people in her life who stood there, waving at her. On her way out of the village she met with Philias who, feeling that he already knew what the answer was going to be, had started walking back to his village. Coming nearer, the warrior extended her hand towards the surprised farmer and helped him get on the horse. Without exchanging a word, the two of them galloped away. 

Xena was about to follow them, riding her phantom Argo, when the hooded figure suddenly appeared and made her climb down. 

"What is it?" Xena said, but her heart was already cringing in fear. Something was going to go terribly wrong. 

The hooded figure didn't answer. It disappeared as it came. Xena resented the way it mysteriously appeared and disappeared every time, but she had no choice on the matter. All that was left for her to do was to wait, but nothing happened. Not for the first day, not for the second day. She was beginning to wonder whether the figure actually knew what it was doing. By the end of the third day she wished it didn't. 

That day started out as a beautiful day, not the kind of day one would think could end badly. Solan woke up before dawn and headed down to help Cyrene prepare breakfast for the inn's guests. Gabrielle stayed in bed as late as her conscience would allow her. Finally she stretched, got up, and stood in front of the half open window, breathing the fresh air in. Suddenly she heard the sound of something breaking. She hurried downstairs, picking her staff from against the wall on her way. She felt embarrassed when she realized that it had only been one of the dishes, which accidentally fell from the hand of one of the guests. Cyrene hurried to clean up the mess. Gabrielle sat down on one of the benches, still alarmed. She had a strange feeling. It was nothing she could explain. She felt foolish. 

Solan soon came with her breakfast, but she had lost her appetite. She looked around her, searching. Xena tried to look closely into her eyes, in an attempt to read her mind. She used to be able to do it, but she had to remind herself that that wasn't her Gabrielle. The Gabrielle she felt so connected to was somewhere far away, and the eyes of the Gabrielle who was sitting before her now could not reflect her thoughts as clearly. 

After breakfast, Solan started to clear off the dishes when Cyrene took them almost forcefully from his hands and insisted he went outside to play. 

"Are you sure you don't need me anymore?" the boy asked. 

"Yes, I'm sure. Now go outside already," his grandmother scolded him fondly. 

The boy smiled at her, then at everybody else in the inn. They all smiled back. Everybody loved the golden-haired boy. Finally he winked at Gabrielle and rushed outside. 

Cyrene wiped her hands on her apron as she walked to the window. She watched her grandson running towards some boys and joining their game. Then she turned back and sat by Gabrielle. 

"Come on, out with it," she commanded. 

Gabrielle was surprised. She had no idea she was that obvious. 

"What is it?" Cyrene did not relent.

"Nothing really," the young woman said and immediately clammed up. 

"You're worried about Xena," Cyrene stated after a short silence. "So am I." 

Gabrielle turned to her and opened her mouth. She wanted to unburden herself, but she stopped at the very last moment. It was bad enough that she was feeling so nervous and edgy. There was no reason to make Cyrene feel that way too. 

"Don't worry, sweetheart," Cyrene said, placing her hand on the girl's shoulder. "You know Xena. She can take care of herself." 

Gabrielle nodded apprehensively. Cyrene seemed to have not noticed Gabrielle's doubts, for she turned around and went back to her guests. 

Gabrielle decided to go for a walk in the woods. Being close to nature had always made her feel better. She remembered how Xena once told her that she and Lyceus used to hold mock sword fights in those woods. Xena didn't usually talk much about her childhood. Gabrielle couldn't help thinking how happy Xena must have been in those days. Her face always wore such a soft expression in the rare times she mentioned them. But losing her brother ended it all. The pain that his death had inflicted upon her was so intense that it had changed her forever. 

Gabrielle shook her head. She didn't want to think about it now. She wanted to concentrate on happy thoughts. She closed her eyes and focused until she could almost swear she was hearing young Xena and Lyceus running and shouting among the trees. She liked that. 

Gabrielle had no idea when it was that she had fallen asleep or how long she had been sleeping, but when she woke up, the sun was already up in the sky and she was feeling even worse than before. She jumped up and hurried back to the village. 

Xena was beginning to feel very nervous herself. She knew she had been told to stay put for a reason. She also knew that Gabrielle's premonitions often turned out to be correct. She dreaded the moment she would be faced with the answer to all her questions, but she also knew it would not take long. 

Everything that followed happened so quickly and looked so unreal that at first Xena was hoping that she was merely hallucinating. She was following Gabrielle's hasty steps back to the village. Then Gabrielle stopped, her eyes widening fearfully, her hand fastening around her staff as she charged forward. She fell half way through. Then there was a high scream. It was Solan's voice. He ran to her. She was all covered with blood. A knife stuck out of her chest. Solan looked around him, his eyes begging for help. Xena would have given everything to be able to react, but she knew she couldn't. She was there as an observer only, nothing more. Solan ran to the inn. He could hardly see the way with the tears blocking his view. 

Cyrene rushed out and knelt down at the motionless body of the girl. She laid a trembling hand on her throat. Then she looked at Solan and shook her head agonizingly. Solan buried his face in her lap and sobbed heartbreakingly. Cyrene put her arms around the boy, looking lonely and helpless. 

After a while his sobbing subsided. His frightful silence attested to the state of shock he was in. Cyrene was torn between the conflicting wishes to not upset him any more and to know what had happened. The second one prevailed. She raised the boy's chin so she could look into his eyes and then asked him tenderly to tell her what had happened. 

His eyes widened so much that they almost appeared black. Then the tears burst again. He looked so tormented. Xena wanted to be able to hold him in her arms and take the pain away from his beautiful, innocent, young eyes. 

"They didn't mean to kill anybody," he muttered, his tears rolling into the corners of his mouth. "They just came here to steal." 

Cyrene shook her head. "Who were they? How do you know that?" she asked. 

"I heard them talking while I was sitting in the oak tree. I should have never interfered. If I hadn't interfered none of this would have happened," said the guilt stricken boy. 

"None of it is your fault," Cyrene immediately responded. "Do you understand?" she said in a firm voice while forcing the boy to look at her. Then, in a softer voice she pleaded with him to resume his story. 

"I wanted to stop them," the boy whispered, lowering his eyes, so as to avoid his grandmother's gaze. "I wanted to be a big hero and save the village, like Mom," he added in a voice so soft it was almost completely unheard. 

Cyrene froze. "What did you do, Solan?" she asked, afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to even move. 

"I jumped on them, from the tree, with my staff," the boy admitted faintly. 

Cyrene let out a sigh. She regretted it instantly. 

"You see? It _is_ all my fault," the boy whimpered. 

"No, it isn't. You just did what you thought was best," Cyrene said, her throat slightly resisting. She did not want to cry in front of the boy. 

"What happened next?" 

Cyrene hated herself for asking more, but she had to know. She knew Xena would want to know all the details and no way was she going to let the boy go through having to tell her himself. She would have to tell her daughter what happened instead. 

"They grabbed me and took my staff," Solan continued. "I don't think they were going to hurt me." 

"But then Gabrielle saw you," Cyrene finally understood, "and she tried to save you." 

Solan's throat was too sore to speak. He nodded. 

"And they panicked and threw the knife at her," Cyrene continued, embracing the boy. 

The boy nodded again, then lifted his eyes and looked into his grandmother's. 

"They didn't mean to," he said. "They got so scared when she fell. And I..." Solan's voice broke. 

Cyrene put her hand on his mouth, then moved it slowly across his cheek. She started rocking him again. They stayed like this for a short while. Then Cyrene turned to the people who began gathering around them and arranged for Gabrielle's body to be carried to her inn. 

Later that night Cyrene sat by one of the tables, a candle by her right hand, a blank parchment spread in front of her. She took it from Gabrielle's bag after everyone had gone to sleep. She thought it would only take a few minutes. She did not want to leave Solan for too long. But now she was sitting in front of the parchment, finding it impossible to seize upon the right words. What was the right way to tell her daughter that she must hurry back because her best friend, the closest soul to her on earth, had died? 

Her eyelids were getting heavy. It was a long and stressful day. She didn't even know where her daughter was at that point and how long it was going to take for the messenger to get hold of her. She finally dunk the feather in some ink and wrote "Hurry back. We need you here promptly." 

She sealed the scroll and put it aside. She would find a person to deliver it first thing in the morning. 

The alternate Xena was already on her way back when she got the message. She had a horrible feeling. She was certain that something had happened to Solan. She beat herself up for leaving him. How could she have allowed herself to listen to her warrior instincts instead of her maternal ones? She should have never gone away. And now something was wrong and she didn't even know what. Her mother didn't specify. But she knew her mother well. She just didn't want to alarm her. She galloped as fast as she could, not stopping even at night. Two and a half days later she was home. Approaching her village she could already sense that things were worse than she had thought. Her limbs were completely numb from riding for so many days with almost no rest. She nearly fell when she jumped off Argo, but she soon stabilized herself and staggered in the direction of the inn. 

Upon hearing the familiar step, Cyrene hurried outside to meet her daughter. They met only a few steps away from the inn's door. 

"Where is Solan? What happened to him?" the alternate Xena immediately asked. 

"Solan is all right," Cyrene said, feeling she was partly lying. Solan had not been himself since Gabrielle died. "It's Gabrielle." 

Her daughter's eyes darkened. She instantly knew. "How long has she been dead?" she asked quietly. 

Cyrene made a quick calculation and finally uttered, "About six days." 

Deep in her heart, the other Xena had known it all along. Six days ago she had a very strange feeling, one that she had never had before. She tried to disregard it, but it wouldn't go away. She tried to find a logical explanation for it, but she couldn't. Now it was all clear. Still, she was too stunned to be able to feel anything at that point. She asked for all the details. Cyrene hesitated. She had no idea how her daughter would react if she was made aware of her son's innocent but nevertheless fatal involvement in the tragic death of her friend. She was so afraid of shaking the unstable grounds upon which her daughter's relationship with her son was founded. Finally she decided to stay as true to the original story as possible, leaving out only the part about Solan's plan to stop the thieves. She made it sound as if he was grabbed by the thieves because they found out that he had heard their plan. There was no use upsetting either of them any more by being too precise about it at that moment. 

The younger woman rushed in to see her son. Right away she noticed how pale and weak he looked. She could easily tell he hadn't slept much in the past six nights. The boy was very relieved to see her. He held her so tight she was hardly able to breathe, but feeling herself the need to hold on, she tightened her grip of him even more. They sat there for a long while. Finally she moved the hair from the boy's haunted forehead and kissed him. Then she got up and looked at her mother. Cyrene knew what her daughter meant to ask. Silently she pointed in the right direction. 

Gabrielle's casket was in the middle of the cold room. Her friend found it extremely difficult to move towards it. She took small, anxious steps. Finally she stood right in front of it, so close, too close. She slowly moved the lid. The body was well preserved, and still, the sight of it was too disturbing. The alternate Xena took a step back. Then she knelt down and forced herself to look at the casket. Her lips slowly moved. 

"I should have let you go home when you wanted to," were the only words she could pronounce. 

It sounded so cold. She bowed her head. How could she possibly say what was in her heart? 

"You should have never died defending my son. I should have been here. I should have protected him myself. What was wrong with me? How could I have left him?" 

The warrior's upper lip began to quiver. She ceased talking for a minute. She drew closer to the casket and with much effort looked inside. 

"It's all my fault, Gabrielle. I'm the reason you're dead. And I've never even had the chance to tell you..." she choked. A tear rolled from her eye and fell on the marble cheek of her friend. "I've never even told you how much I loved you." 

Feeling she was being watched, the woman turned around. There was nobody there. For a moment she thought it might have been Solan. Her thoughts wandered back to him. He was taking it all so hard. There she was, with her best friend dead and her son completely tormented and torn and there was nothing she could do. She had never felt so helpless. Her helplessness filled her up with rage. She stormed outside. 

"Xena," her mother called after her. "Where are you going?" 

She didn't answer, but increased her speed. 

"Xena, please stop and tell me where you're going," her mother called again, but she feared she already knew the answer. "It won't make you feel better," she shouted at her daughter's distancing figure. "It won't change what's happened." 

The warrior quickly mounted her horse. 

"Xena, please don't go. We need you here. Your son needs you." 

But the warrior was already too far away to hear her. 

Cyrene knew it wouldn't be hard for her daughter to find the thieves, even without having a detailed description. She always had been good at what she was doing. It was what Cyrene both most admired and most feared in her daughter - her determination, her thoroughness, the way her mind just got locked into what she felt she had to do. So many times that determination of hers turned out to be disastrous both to her and to her surroundings. Cyrene had the uneasy feeling that this was going to be one of those times. 

She entered the inn and went to check up on her grandson. 

"Where is my mother?" he asked right away. 

He must have heard Cyrene shouting, or Argo galloping outside his window. 

"She... she went riding. I think she needs some time on her own, to... to absorb all that's happened," Cyrene said slowly, weighing her words very carefully. 

Solan turned his head. He had such an expressive face, like his mother used to have as a child. Cyrene had already learned how to read it. 

"You're not still blaming yourself, I hope," she said tentatively. 

The boy did not answer, but it was clear that he was. 

"We all make mistakes," Cyrene said softly. "There's nothing you can do about it now." 

"Have you ever made a mistake that got someone killed?" the boy asked solemnly. 

Cyrene shuddered. She couldn't possibly give a truthful answer to that question. The sight of her dead husband flashed before her eyes, but she couldn't even now decide whether she had done anything that led to that awful night in which she killed him. 

"Maybe, indirectly," she finally said, after thinking long and hard. "And your mother sure have made many such mistakes," she carried on, feeling her way as she was talking. "But we're only human, and we make mistakes, and we must forgive each other, and most importantly we must forgive ourselves." 

Solan looked up and met her gaze. She could tell she wasn't getting through to him. She wished her daughter were there. Somehow she had the feeling that the boy would have had an easier time believing it if she had been the one saying it. 

Finally the boy was getting drowsy. His grandmother wrapped a blanket around his fragile and closed the door behind her. 

When his mother wouldn't come back that night or the next day, Solan finally realized where she had gone to. The boy looked very disturbed upon this realization. His eyes, already red from crying all those days, became even redder. 

"She went after them, didn't she?" he demanded of his grandmother. 

Cyrene nodded quietly. 

Before she even had the chance to add anything, the boy ran into the woods. 

Watching her grandson rushing away, Cyrene found it difficult to suppress the anger she was feeling towards her daughter. Sometimes she just couldn't understand her. She was badly needed in Amphipolis, not only in order to take care of her son, but also of Gabrielle. After all the time she had waited so she could have the chance to discuss the funeral arrangements with her daughter, off she went again, and now Gabrielle's family was at Amphipolis and the burial couldn't be delayed any further. She seriously thought that her daughter would want to attend it, as painful as it was going to be. And it was going to be even harder on Solan, and as much as she herself had tried to help him through this difficult time, what he really needed was his mother, and she wasn't there for him. 

At first, Cyrene figured that Solan just needed some time to be by himself, and chose the woods for some solitary contemplation, just like his mother used to do when she was a child, but when he failed to arrive to dinner, she was beginning to worry. An hour later, the whole village was up and about. All the villagers and the inn's guests were walking around, holding torches in their hands, calling out Solan's name, but there was no answer. 

Cyrene marveled at how fast everything had deteriorated. What started as a dream come true for her - seeing her daughter again, realizing that she was the grandmother of an angelic little boy, being able to convince both her daughter and her grandson that Amphipolis was their home - was completely destroyed. Nothing was left of the joy she had felt only shortly before. 

That night, Cyrene took another parchment from Gabrielle's bag, only now she didn't have to think long. She knew exactly what she was going to write. 

"Solan is missing. He has run away. Stop this useless search for revenge and get back here immediately." 

The searches took place all night and all day. By the evening of the next day the boy had been found. He was safe and sound, only exhausted and looking even more miserable than before. 

"What were you thinking?" Cyrene asked after hugging the boy silently for a while. "Don't you know that running away never solves anything?" she added more softly. "I was so worried about you. The whole village was. We all love you so much. I don't know what we would have done if anything had happened to you," she added. 

The boy motioned and tore himself from his grandmother, speechlessly. Then he started walking, his head bowed, until his figure disappeared inside the inn. 

Xena watched the boy as he was making his way to his room. He looked so desolate. She felt so sorry for him. She couldn't help wondering how many times he had felt that way in the past. How many times could she have been there by her son's side when he was sad or afraid or even happy? She never thought of it until her son died. And now her alternate had a chance to make up for lost time and what did she end up doing? She went off looking for vengeance. That wasn't right. Vengeance was indeed useless. Nothing could be done about Gabrielle's death now, but if her alternate would have stayed with her son, maybe she could have eased his guilt a little. She hadn't even stayed long enough to listen to him. He didn't have a chance to confess to her. And now he had the death of three more people on his conscience. That wasn't at all right. 

The other Xena arrived two days later. Her mother had never seen her so distraught. She wondered if her daughter was finally beginning to understand the implications of what she had done. 

"What happened?" she immediately snapped. 

"We found him," Cyrene tried to say in a reassuring voice, but it was very much tinted with the anger she still very much felt for her daughter. 

"What happened? Why did he run away?" her daughter repeated, agitated. 

"I wanted to stop you," the boy, standing barefoot at the door, quietly rejoined. "I wanted to tell you not to do it, that it was my fault and that they shouldn't die," he blurted. "But I guess it's too late now. You've already killed them, didn't you?" 

The boy's mother just stood there, completely overwhelmed. 

"What are you talking about? It wasn't your fault. Stop saying such things." 

Her words made the boy break into a loud sob. She hurried to hug him, but her eyes were lifted and she was looking helplessly around. Cyrene avoided her daughter's glance. Feeling it, her daughter released her hug and told Solan she would be right back. 

"Tell me all you know and do it now," the young woman commanded in a low but hardly restrained tone. 

Cyrene told her everything, this time including the boy's exact actions. She watched quietly as her daughter completely discolored. 

"Why would he do such a stupid thing?" she asked her mother. "Both Gabrielle and I have told him so many times not to play the hero. When you have a chance, run. You don't start fighting unless it's the very last resort. I thought he understood that," she continued. 

"Don't be too hard on him, Xena," her mother said. "He meant well." 

"He got Gabrielle killed," her daughter cried. 

"You got your brother killed," Cyrene suddenly blurted and the minute those words flew out of her mouth she wished she could retrieve them, but it was already too late. Her daughter turned to her, looking as if her mother plunged her heart with a sword. 

"I can't believe you just said that," she said. "After all these years, you still blame me for his death," she whispered. 

"No. That's exactly what I was trying to say," Cyrene said. It all came out wrong. "Yes, that was the result of what you did, but you were trying to save the village. I understand that now. And as much as it was painful for me to lose Lyceus, and as much as it was hard for me to forgive you for it and for everything that happened afterwards, I understand why you had to do what you did. And you must try to understand why your son did what he did. He wanted to be a hero, like you. He wanted to save the village. And yes, he made a huge error, he realizes it now. But he is still a child, and he is still your son, and he needs your love, not your judgment, just like you did, from me." 

With the last words, Cyrene could no longer hold her tears back. Her daughter watched her, astounded. She was not prepared for such words. She and her mother had danced around the subject of Lyceus's death for so long. She was beginning to think it would never come up. She knew they had a lot more to talk about, but she also knew that tending to her son was more urgent at that moment. She squeezed her mother's arm, in a gesture that expressed so many different emotions, and went back inside. 

"She told you everything," the boy half asked, half declared. His mother nodded. "You must really hate me now," he added. 

The woman sighed deeply. "No. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're my son," she uttered, her voice sounding so tired and sad. 

"Are you angry?" he asked. 

"Not at you," she answered. "I'm angry at myself." 

The boy looked at her questioningly. 

"I've been selfish," she said, not looking at her son's face. "I wanted to have you so much that I let you leave behind all you've ever known and join me, even though I had no idea where we were going. And I gave you the wrong impressions. I let Gabrielle tell you all those heroic stories about me because I wanted you to love me and be proud of me. I didn't take into consideration how it might affect you." 

The woman could tell that her son was looking at her even without moving her head in his direction. 

"But I wanted to come with you," he said, sounding confused. 

"I know you did. But I should have known better. I shouldn't have let you come with me, even if it meant having you angry with me for a while. I should have done what was best for you, not for me. None of this would have happened if I hadn't taken you away from where you belong." 

"What are you saying?" the boy whispered nervously. 

"I think it would be best for you to go back to Kaleipus and the centaurs," his mother sounded as if she was drowning. 

"I was right," he said after taking a short time to think. "You do hate me. You want to get rid of me now." 

The woman seized her son's shoulder and turned him sharply towards her. "No," she said, making him look at her. "I'm doing it because I love you. I've made a big mistake and many people have paid for it already. Look at you," her voice rose, while tears began rolling from her eyes. "When I met you you were such a cheerful, carefree boy. You're miserable now." 

The boy looked at her, perplexed. 

"I'm not leaving you, Solan," the woman choked. "I'll come visit you all the time. I'm just trying to right a wrong. Do you understand?" 

But the boy turned away. All he could see was that his mother was planning on leaving him again. 

The next morning, Cyrene said goodbye to her reluctant grandson and anxious daughter. 

"He's angry with me," her daughter said, after the boy wandered off. "He thinks I'm trying to get rid of him." 

Cyrene smoothened her daughter's dark hair. "It'll take time," she said. "He's too young to understand. I'm sure when he grows up..." 

"He won't even talk to me," her daughter said in a lost voice. 

"I know it's hard," her mother began, hesitantly, "having your child not talk to you." 

Her daughter bowed her head. Things were never simple between parents and children. She knew it first hand. 

"But eventually he'll come around. You have to believe that. And you'll have to be patient." 

The younger woman looked at her mother painfully. 

"I know it's not going to be easy," the older woman said while caressing her daughter's face. 

The younger woman stood for a long while, staring into her mother's eyes, until she finally gathered up the nerve to ask what she had been dreading to ask. 

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" she let out cautiously. 

"We can never know for sure," her mother answered frankly. "But I know you think it's best, and I trust your judgment." 

The young woman gave her a sad smile. Cyrene grabbed her daughter's arm and pulled her close. Her daughter's body was tense and unquiet. She twitched to release herself from her mother's hug and then turned away and went outside to join her son. 

As she was approaching him, he turned away resentfully and began kicking pebbles. The woman sighed. She could see it was going to be a long, hard way down to the centaur village. She seized Argo's reins and began walking. The boy followed them silently. 

Sadly watching her other self and son walking away, a familiar feeling suddenly crept over Xena. She turned around sharply. There, as she had expected, stood the hooded figure, watching her watching the scene from afar. 

Xena was extremely irritated. "What is the moral this time?" she asked cynically. "That I could never make a good mother? That I could never desert my warrior ways or resist a good vengeance when it comes my way?" 

The hooded figure seemed surprised. "I didn't say that," it said, sounding somewhat upset, even hurt. But a moment later it turned surprisingly compassionate. "Is that the way you are feeling?" it inquired in a soft, sincere voice, which once again sounded so familiar. Xena had a feeling that the mysterious person was somebody very close to her, but if so, how could she not tell who it was? "I understand your frustration," the figure continued and its voice suddenly reminded her of her mother's, but it couldn't possibly be her. The cloaked figure was considerably taller than Cyrene. And there were some things that it had said which weren't at all characteristic of her. 

"Who are you?" she blurted, irritably. "How do you know all the things you do?" 

Xena could feel the figure smiling a sad smile. 

"You'll know everything in good time," it replied softly. 

Xena sat herself down on a rock, looking again in the direction of her distancing alternate self, horse and son. They were still walking very far from each other. That image made her both gloomy and pensive. 

"I still think it was wrong for him to die not knowing that I was his mother," she finally uttered. 

The figure did not reply, but it seemed very attentive. 

Xena went on thinking quietly for a little while longer, and then continued.

"But maybe he just wasn't ready back then," she reasoned. "Maybe he was too young." She suddenly turned to the figure, her face looking a little more lively. "When I came back again, a year and two months later, he had grown so much. It was unbelievable. He was so much more mature. Maybe he would have understood then." 

The figure turned to her sharply. Something in the way she moved caught Xena's eye. But before she had time to really think about it or even form an intelligible idea in her head, she heard the familiar words, "As you wish," and again, she found herself on the road to the centaur village. 

Part 3 

Xena's first instinct was to turn back. She had seen enough tragedy. She wasn't prepared to witness any more of it. But something inside of her ordered her to stay. She closed her eyes and took a very deep breath. She knew it was not going to be easy. 

Even with all the preparations she still felt quite queasy when she saw her other self and Gabrielle approaching the village. Her eyes wandered, desperately seeking her instructor, with whom she had already developed a complicated relationship of love and hate, but it wasn't anywhere to be found. She looked again at her other self and was surprised to feel a tear rolling down her own cheek at the sight. Her counterpart was so excited to see her son again. Little did she know that she was in for the most horrible experience of her entire life. It was too painful to watch. Still, Xena held her head up and her eyes on the target. There was a reason for her witnessing all that she had, and there had to be a reason for her witnessing what she was going to witness now, and she would just have to wait and see and trust that peculiar guide of hers. And so she stood still and waited. 

The conversation sounded so familiar as if it had only taken place the day before. She couldn't believe it had already been two years. Her wounds were still open and bleeding, and she was not able to speak about it even though she could not stop thinking about it, every waking moment and many sleeping ones. She shook her head and listened. How sweet was Gabrielle's attempt that day to reassure her. She was very edgy, and found it hard to admit to Gabrielle, and even to herself, just how anxious she really was about meeting her son again. She was quite sure that he would be all right and happy to see her and still, more than a year had passed, and she was afraid things might have changed in the meantime. 

And then he jumped right off a tree and surprised her. He was so fast and efficient she almost did not catch him in time. She remembered how Gabrielle had said after their first visit in the Centaur village that Solan had her instincts and how proud it had made her feel, even though she had tried not to show it. Her heart widened instantly when she saw him again. She couldn't believe it could expand so much. For years it was cringed in a corner with no light shining on it, but the light that came from the boy's eyes, from his smile, was so bright it could light up the darkest soul. 

He had grown so much. She was surprised to see how tall he already was. And his features seemed more mature, more permanent. Instantly she felt regret for waiting over a year before coming to see him again. How much must have occured in the meantime. How much she had missed on. But Solan, being the friendly boy that he was, volunteered to fill her in, telling her every little detail, and so only shortly after they had met again, she felt as if she had never parted with him. 

When the trouble started, the alternate Xena had mixed emotions about it. On the one hand there was a sense of urgency and danger she could not deny, and she was very much worried about Solan's safety as well as that of the other people in the village. But on the other hand, protecting her son seemed to bring them closer together. When he resented being sent away, saying he wasn't a baby, she rushed to intervene. She spotted in him the early signs of puberty, and the signs of her own rebellious nature. How could he have grown up to be so much like her, even though he had been raised by strangers? She half-smiled when she remembered the fights she had had with her mother. If only her mother could see her now. But her acute memory of how she had been and felt when she was Solan's age served her well. She was able to get to him and convince him to trust both Kaleipus and her, and doing that she seemed to connect to him on a level she never believed she could. 

Xena watched agonizingly. Every movement, every word, hurt her more than any wound she had ever suffered in battle. Watching was torturous. Her mind kept screaming. Images of what was to come kept jumping in front of her mental eyes. Within it all, one horrible realization kept nagging at her soul. That was the day that she had failed her son. That was the day that she had lost more than she had ever dreamed of having, more than she had ever allowed herself to want. And the fact that it had been so close, that she could have almost touched it, that she had been only a few minutes away from telling Solan, from reuniting with him, had made it even worse. Then she knew what was going to happen, and she turned to walk away. 

"I still think you should see it," the voice of the hooded figure said sadly. 

Where did all that sadness come from? Xena couldn't help wondering. Why did the figure seem so involved in her life? But before she was able to ask it anything, or examine it again, the figure had disappeared. Sighing, Xena turned back to look at her alternate finding Kaleipus's body. Her heart felt as if it was going to burst, but her eyes kept staring forward. She was paralyzed. Living through it once was horrible enough, but doing it the second time, that time actually witnessing what she had imagined in her mind so many times, was unbearable. 

She didn't care for answers anymore, she wanted to tell the hooded figure that. She just wanted to get away from there. But the figure wasn't around to assist her. And suddenly she couldn't move, couldn't even blink. There was no escape. 

And she had to watch. A part of her just had to know. And so she found herself, inside Kaleipus's hut, recapturing her last moments with her living son. 

He was so beautiful, standing there, with tears in his eyes. All his former act of toughness and maturity gone. He was a little child in need of her consolation, in need of her. She could hardly control the urge to put her arms around him and let out all that had been hiding, secretly, in her heart ever since she had laid eyes on him again, a little over a year before. 

His eyes were so clear when he looked at her and asked if he was the reason for the death of all that he loved. She quickened to discharge him of those feelings, while again being amazed of how much like her he was, attributing to himself the power to kill people merely by being attached to them. She had had those feelings for as long as she could remember and still had them occasionally, and she was much older than he was. 

"That's not true," she said in a passionate tone, "you still have me." 

That slipped. She didn't intend to say it right then. Her eyes widened in fear and expectation, but the boy just looked at her questioningly. He didn't understand. He didn't realize what she had really meant, what was really behind those seemingly benign words. 

The other Xena kept silent for a minute, trying to assess. Then, looking somewhat relieved, she resumed. "And you have many friends and they've all said how much they love you and want you to come live with them." 

But the boy stated that he wanted to come live with her. She knew it was a crazy idea. She knew she could not roam the land with a child, and she even tried to discourage him, as hard as it was for her to do so when her heart was calling out to him. She told him that he should stay with the people he knew and cared for, but then he said the words that won her over completely. He was willing to give everything up. He preferred her to all that he knew, to all he had grown into. With the little time they had spent together, she was able to form that special bond with him. It wasn't just her. It wasn't just her imagination. He had felt it too. Subconsciously, he knew what she should have told him long ago. And now she just had to let it out in the open. 

She grabbed him by the shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. 

"We've got a lot to talk about," she said. 

He looked so open and receptive. She knew she had to go out and get ready for battle, but she could not let the opportunity pass. So many times she had played that scene in her head. Now it was finally time to execute her plans, but she found herself in a loss for words. 

"I want you to try and understand," she started. 

"Try and understand what?" his expression suddenly turned serious. 

"Why I did what I did. Why I felt I had to do it," the alternate Xena continued cryptically. 

"What? Is this connected to my uncle's death?" the boy asked, looking back straight into her eyes. 

"Yes. No. Not exactly," she got confused. It wasn't working as planned. 

"You know I used to be very different once," she started again, this time avoiding his look. 

"Yes, I know. But that was long ago. You're good now. I know that." 

She smiled nervously, then continued. "And back then, I wasn't very good to myself either. I was lost. I let my anger and hatred rule me. I got carried away," she continued. 

It was obvious that the boy was getting lost in her words, but she couldn't find any other words. Her thoughts came out so disorganized. There were so many emotions inside of her, they just blurred everything. But she couldn't stop now. She knew that. She just had to keep trying to say what she had to say in the only way she knew how. 

"And then when I met your father," her voice turned soft as she continued, "I didn't see all I see now. I couldn't. I didn't believe that I... that we... I didn't know what love was. I didn't really believe it existed. I was scared." 

The boy looked very distraught. "Did my father love you?" he finally asked with a grave tone. 

Of all the questions he could choose to ask, that had to be the most painful. "Yes, I believe he did," she answered in a voice so quiet that her words could hardly be deciphered. 

"Did you love him?" the boy asked and that question hurt even more. 

"Looking back, I think I did. But back then... I was blinded..." she choked. 

Solan looked at her solemnly. "Did you break his heart?" the boy's voice asked steadily. 

His mother paused as a scene replayed itself in her head. He wanted them to be a family, and she mocked him and his desires. And all through, he hadn't given up on her. He came back for her that night... The memory hurt more than she had expected. She shook her head. 

"But then came my mother and healed it, right?" the boy asked hopefully and his mother panicked. She thought he was beginning to understand. 

"Oh, Solan," she said as she embraced him. "Don't you see? Don't you understand what I'm trying to say? I am your mother." 

Finally, those words were uttered. The boy immediately tore himself from her arms and looked at her face. He seemed very troubled. He shook his head wildly. "My mother and father loved each other. My uncle always told me so. He said when they looked at each other the whole village would light up - that's what he said. And my mom died of a heartache after my dad had died. That's how much she loved him. And she loved me too. She would have never left me. Never." 

Before his mother even had the chance to respond, the boy stormed outside. What was she thinking, telling him like that? And now he was out there for Callisto to find. She stormed after him, her motion slowed down by her heavy heart. 

She knew he couldn't have gotten very far, but she knew that even if she found him, he wouldn't want to talk to her. Then Ephiny appeared and told her that it was time to get ready. She looked up. The sun was already very high in the sky. There was no time. She was completely torn. She felt so relieved when Gabrielle suddenly showed up. She gave her a short report of what had happened and told her that she must take Solan to safety. She knew that no matter how angry he was with her at the moment, he would still listen to Gabrielle. She also knew that she could trust Gabrielle to take good care of Solan. 

Xena was watching the scene when she suddenly realized what she had just seen from the corner of her eye. Hope went into the hut, and came right out angrily, running to the other direction. Then it hit Xena - for better or for worse, the scene had changed. There was still hope, Solan could still be saved. Suddenly she felt so much better. She knew her counterpart was suffering, contemplating the damaging impact of her decision to reveal her secret at the moment she did, but there she was, looking at Hope coming out of the hut empty handed, and she knew that in a strange, distorted way, that move had saved Solan's life, at least for the time being. She hurried and followed Gabrielle and Solan. 

Gabrielle took Solan to the hut, looking around her as she came in. Xena knew who she was looking for. Her heart cringed at the sight. With all that she and Gabrielle had gone through since, there was a part of her that could never really forgive Gabrielle. There was a part of her that could never really heal. Most of the time, she just kept it locked and buried. Other times, like now, it was impossible to do so. If only Gabrielle hadn't lied to her. If only she had trusted her enough. If only she had believed her when she first told her that Hope was evil - so many things would have been different. 

"Wait here, just a minute," Gabrielle told Solan and Xena wanted to scream, but she knew she couldn't be heard. No matter what, Gabrielle shouldn't leave him alone. If there was only a way for her to communicate it, but there wasn't any. Her breath was becoming heavier, as she was looking at what she couldn't help thinking were Solan's last moments. 

But then suddenly there was a mixture of unidentified sounds outside, ending with a thump. Solan, still looking distraught and angry, ran to the window and peered outside. He could not see clearly. All he could make out were two silhouettes, one quite short and one a little taller, appearing to look at something that was laying on the ground. Then he heard somebody's shrieking voice. 

"You stupid imbecile," said a high, annoying woman's voice. "You weren't supposed to kill her." 

The shorter silhouette turned towards the other one. "She was an impediment to my father's reign," said an ice-cold voice of a girl. 

"And we were going to stop her," the woman sounded angry, "but not that way. We had a plan." 

The girl was becoming annoyed. "I tried your plan. It didn't work." 

The woman was becoming quite annoyed herself. "What are you talking about?" she inquired. 

"I couldn't find him. He wasn't where he was supposed to be," the girl said. "And she," the girl then added, pointing at the figure on the ground, "found me looking for him and tried to kill me." 

Solan was beginning to shiver. Was the figure on the ground who he thought it was? He was going to run outside but then realized he might be in danger, and so he closed the window and hid in the corner. 

The two soon came into the hut. 

"You still shouldn't have killed her," the woman said. "I wanted her to live. I wanted her to go on living, every day, knowing how it feels like to..." 

A loud wailing sound interrupted the woman's words. Both she and the child ran out the door immediately. Solan got up and crawled again towards the window, careful to remain unseen. There, he saw Gabrielle, leaning over the dead body that he now positively identified as his mother's. 

Gabrielle's sob was heartbreaking. Then she suddenly looked up and saw the child. "Hope," she whispered through the tears. "Did you see who did it?" 

The girl shook her head innocently, then started to cry. 

Gabrielle hugged her. "I'm sorry," she said tenderly. "It must be a terrible experience for you." 

The girl did not answer, but let Gabrielle hug her. Solan was shocked. He did not know who that girl was, but he felt he had to warn Gabrielle, before she would die too. 

Gabrielle lifted her eyes and encountered those of the woman. She rose to her feet, pushing the girl behind her. 

"Go away, Callisto," her voice was drenched with tears she could not stop. "You're not going to hurt anybody else." 

The woman let out a horrific laughter. "And who would stop me? You? Admit it, Gabrielle, you've lost. Your beloved Xena is gone. Without her, you're nothing." 

Gabrielle was left speechless. Tears kept rolling down her cheeks as she looked down at Xena's dead body. 

The girl came from behind her back. 

"Come now, child," the woman said, stretching an inviting hand. 

Gabrielle grabbed the girl's hand. "She's not going with you. I won't let that happen." 

The woman laughed again, a scary, wicked laugh. "Poor Gabrielle," she said. "You still don't get it, do you?" 

Gabrielle's jaw dropped, as the girl moved smilingly to Callisto's side. 

"I'm sorry, mommy," she said in a heartless tone. Then the woman put her arm around her and they both disappeared. 

Xena got up and crawled to the window. She had a vague memory of feeling an immense, condensed sense of pain before passing out. Looking outside the window, she immediately understood why. There, on the ground, laid her alternate's lifeless body, with Gabrielle leaning over it, crying the most heart wrecking cry. 

She looked around and saw Solan, crouching in the corner, his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth, nervously. He was very pale, and his expression was blank. Xena wondered what was going inside of his mind. 

Gabrielle had remained silent for the rest of the day. Ephiny tried to make her talk, but couldn't. Xena looked at the both of them. Gabrielle's face looked suddenly so much older, almost as the face of an old woman. Her suffering was infinite, and it was so intense that Xena could actually see it, as if it had a definite form. It wasn't just the pain of losing her, Xena knew. It was the pain of knowing that she played an important role in it. Ephiny kept sitting at Gabrielle's side, looking at her face, without a word, until finally she pulled her to her lap, while letting her own tears fall onto Gabrielle's hair. 

Right after the alternate Xena's body had been carried away from the path outside the hut, Solan sprang, like an arrow launched from a bow, and hid up his favorite tree. No matter how much everybody begged him, he wouldn't come down, not even to eat or sleep. Now it was already time to send off Xena's body and Solan still refused to come down. Ephiny noted that they would have to perform the ceremony, with or without Solan being present. Gabrielle quietly asked her for one last chance to try and convince Solan to participate. She felt she owed Xena that much. Ephiny nodded sadly, as Gabrielle proceeded towards Solan's tree. 

"Solan, please come down." she begged. 

There was no answer. 

"Okay. If you don't want to come down, can we at least talk?" 

Still, there was no answer. 

"If you don't want to talk to me, I understand," she continued, straining herself more and more. "But there are some things I need to say to you, so would you please just listen?" 

Gabrielle's voice broke. Tears came rolling down from her eyes, entering her mouth, falling on her chest. It was all so hard for her - dealing with Xena's death, dealing with her part in her death, with what her daughter had turned out to be, and now this. But this was also her chance to do something right, something that would have meant a lot to Xena, and as small as it may have seemed, she grasped at it as a last straw. She couldn't afford to fail. 

"I'm sorry about your mother," she started again, painfully. "I loved her more than I've loved anything or anybody in my entire life." 

She stopped and waited. She wasn't sure, but she thought she saw Solan coming down to a lower branch. She proceeded. 

"I realize that you are angry with her, for not telling you sooner and for giving you up in the first place," she tried to spot him as she was talking. "But she was your mother and she did love you so much, and I really think you should come to the ceremony. You can't stay mad at her forever." 

Before Gabrielle had the chance to say anything else, Solan jumped off the tree and landed right in front of her. "I'm not mad at her," he said, staring at the ground. 

"So what is it?" Gabrielle asked, raising his chin in a hesitant gesture. 

"I just can't," he whispered, his upper lip shivering, as he was trying his hardest not to cry. 

"I know," Gabrielle said sympathetically. "It's too sad. I feel the same way." 

The boy distanced himself from Gabrielle. "It's not the same for you," Solan almost shouted. 

Gabrielle looked at him surprised and hurt, but then she composed herself and proceeded. "Well, yes. I suppose you're right. It's not the same for me. She was your mother, and you were just getting to know her." 

Solan shook his head, fighting the tears. "No, I wasn't. I didn't want to. I was mad at her, and I ran, and..." 

Finally Gabrielle felt that she was beginning to understand. "And she died before you had the chance to make peace with her," she said 

The boy began sobbing. "It was my fault that she died," he said, while Gabrielle hugged him tightly. "She was trying to stop that girl from killing me." 

The reference to Hope inflicted on Gabrielle a pain so great, it was intolerable. She pushed Solan away from her and said in a tormented voice, "No, it wasn't your fault. It was all my fault. If I had just done what Xena said, when she told me to do it, then they would still be alive, Kaleipus and Xena." 

Solan looked at Gabrielle, perplexed. 

"I'm so sorry," Gabrielle said again, caressing Solan's cheek. "You should have been together. You could have been together, if only I..." 

"It wouldn't have mattered," Solan concluded in the saddest voice Xena had ever heard in her life. "Sooner or later everybody I love dies." 

Xena could not take it any longer. 

"Where are you?" she shouted, trying to summon the figure. "I know you're out here somewhere. Come out and show yourself. Now!" she commanded, walking back and forth like a caged tiger. 

The figure arrived instantly. Xena was so mad that her face was nearly crimson. 

"What are you trying to say here, with this pathetic demonstration?" she screamed, pointing at the agonizing image of Solan and Gabrielle, as her voice was raising to unbelievable heights. 

It had been a while since she had experienced such strong feelings of hatred. She hated the figure. She hated it for listening to her and showing her what could have been. And she hated herself, for ever making that stupid, hurtful, useless wish. 

"Are you saying we just weren't fated to make it together?" she yelled, turning around, looking for the ever elusive figure. "I don't believe in fate. I make my own choices and I take full responsibility for them." 

Xena quieted. Sadness crawled up and down and around her body, filling her completely. The hooded figure reappeared suddenly, standing closer to Xena than it had ever stood before, and then, with a resolute move of the hand, it took off the hood and looked straight into Xena's eyes. 

Xena took a surprised step back, then tilted her head and looked straight at the figure. 

It was her, but not really her. The figure was older, looked wiser, more experienced and sadder, and still there was a sense of serenity in her face, something hopeful in it. 

"You're me," she said, in the same primary sense of surprise that she had felt the first time she had met one of her alternates outside the centaur village. "Only older," she added, circling the odd figure. 

Her alternate smiled warmly. 

Xena kept looking, thinking, analyzing. "You look like me, mostly. But you don't sound like me. All this time, I tried to identify you by your voice. It sounded so familiar." 

Xena's older self looked at Xena patiently as Xena kept explaining. 

"At some point it reminded me of Gabrielle's. Another time, I thought it sounded just like my mother's, and then there was one time when I could swear you were Lao Ma." 

Xena stopped and looked at her older self's face. Suddenly it all became so clear - her peacefulness, her multiple voices, her personal involvement. 

"Will I be like you?" she asked. "Will I ever be so peaceful? Will I ever really internalize all that Gabrielle and Lao Ma and my mother and others have tried to teach me?" 

Her surrogate self smiled a warm smile. "That depends on you," she said softly. "As you yourself just said, you make your own choices. I'm just one future possibility - there are many others." 

"Many others?" Xena echoed her alternate's words. 

"Yes. There is always an infinite number of possibilities," the older woman answered. 

Xena quickly reacted, enlightened. 

"But that means... what I just saw... so why did you...?" She stopped. She didn't need her older self to explain. "Thank you," she whispered, trying to reach out her hand and touch her alternate, but her hand just went through. Surprised, Xena pulled her hand back. 

"It's time for me to go," Xena's other self said. "Good luck with your future choices," she added and disappeared, just like she did so many times before, but this time Xena knew it was for good. 

Epilogue 

"Do you want to tell me where you were?" Gabrielle's voice pierced through Xena's consciousness. 

"Where I was?" Xena answered surprised, still trying to adjust to the quick change. 

"I don't mean physically," Gabrielle explained, hurrying her step. "I could see your back the whole time, but your mind... you looked as if you weren't really here." 

Xena turned her face back at Gabrielle and smiled. Gabrielle was both surprised and very much relieved. Xena hadn't smiled all day. In fact, she hadn't smiled for quite some time. Gabrielle saw that smile as an encouraging sign. 

"So, you want to talk about it?" Gabrielle asked Xena cautiously, carefully examining her face. 

Xena turned around sharply and pulled Gabrielle into a warm, tight embrace. 


End file.
